Let's just pretend that didn't happen....

Well, nothing really new over my way.

Well, if you don't count my weekend lol

If you know me, you know I very rarely go out. You know, OUT...with adult friends...at adult places.

Well.... I went out 2 nights in a row. That's right, Friday AND Saturday night. What in the world? So I checked my temperature, I mean I must be sick right?

Nope.

Wow, I really did go out 2 nights in a row. It was magical and utterly exhausting.

Friday night went to a couple bars around town here with my P.I.C. and had a blast...as always. But she's crazy, and makes me crazy, So it's exhausting.

(Me and my P.I.C. Friday night, doin our thang lol)

Crawled into bed at 4:00 am (sure hubby was REAL happy about that)

Back up at 8:00 am.... Renew tags for car with 9 month old. Actually wasn't that bad. And I was actually in a pretty good mood.

Later that evening my beautiful cousin and I went to a BBQ at a co-workers house and had a BLAST.
I played beer pong for the first.time.ever. I know, shocking right? Except the cups were filled with water (thank GOD) Played a little ladder ball, also for the first time. (BTW, I completely sucked at both but you would never tell from my confidence and smack talking!)

Then came the laughing fit... I could tell the whole big ole long story about why I was laughing and how it all started but I'll just give you the run down.

A comment was made about going to a baby dedication ceremony at a church for my nephew. But I said it like this " I gotta do that thing, you know where they dedicate the baby ...to the god" as I make the hand gesture of Rafiki holding Simba up on the cliff.

You could probably guess what I immediately did.
Yep...
Acted out and sang the entire circle of life in my friends back yard.

And that's when the laughing started... and when I start uncontrollably laughing, I can't stop. Not only can I NOT stop...if you say anything to me or even make eye contact with me I laugh harder. I was laughing so hard for so long I started getting "laugh cramps" in my rib cage, which then became funny as well as I started asking everyone for coconut water or a banana because I needed potassium.Mind you laughing so hard the entire time I have tears running down my face.

After I recovered we left and my cousin convinced me to go out with her after that to a friends b-day gathering at the bar I was at the night before. So I went... At least I didn't stay out all night? I left at about 1:15

So this was all fun and good but when I go out, I kind of forget about EVERYTHING. Friday night I had waffle house at 2:00 am... Biscuit and gravy with hashbrowns covered in gravy.

Saturday night I went to the arches at 1:15 in waited in the drive through for 20 minutes for a big mac, fries and Coke. I haven't had anything like that in like 2 months.

But this will not ruin my day, my night, my week, my life... I have not failed. I had a bad food weekend...that's all. Today was great. Tomorrow will be fantastic and Wednesday will be awesome.

I got this....

5 down 1 to go!!!!

So today was appointment 5 of 6 for my 6 month supervised diet.
I did good...
No I did great...
No I did AWESOME!

The nurse at my surgeons office where I have my appointments was sooooo excited with how i've done over the past month. I lost 9 lbs... WOW 9 lbs! She thought she was looking at the wrong chart :)  She was so excited about the changes I have made to prepare myself for the band.

Thank you, all of you. All you banded bloggers here in bloggerland have given me so much inspiration, hope, and advice I could never thank you enough. I told her about you guys and how reading your stories (yes, I have  read the ENTIRE blog of everyone I follow!) has really prepared me for the lifestyle change that is coming.

I explained to her how 6 months ago I was devastated when I found out I had to do the 6 month diet. I wanted the surgery right then and there. I was discouraged, I went 2 1/2 months being ashamed and eating myself almost 20 lbs heavier. Then with the help of my banded bestie got the motivation to go through with it.

Then I explained how THANKFUL I am now for these 6 months. I wasn't ready back in september. I mean I was ready for the surgery but I wasn't truly ready for banded life. I actually said in my appointment, and I quote "Thank you Blue Cross Blue Shield!" lol I never thought I'd say that because I was sooooo angry with them for so long.

The nurse agreed and said "You are ready now, I can tell"

That meant alot.

But now I'm starting to get random jolts of nervousness as my last appointment approaches. I get little slivers of "can I do this?" and "what are you getting yourself into?"

Thank goodness those nuggets are fleeting and few.

Anyone else out there go through something similar?


FYI-- if you haven't checked out Lap Band Gals blog today she reviewed the new bandwagon cookery cookbook by Jean McMillan and there's an order form to order for a discount. I bought both books today :)

Awe shucks you're makin' me blush .....

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit, these silly sinuses are still giving me all kinds of hell. But I thought I'd pull the energy up out of me to post.

First of all, Really you guys?!?! Seriously, your kind words on my last post (before pictures) LITERALLY made me cry...tears...from my eyes...

THANK YOU  from the bottom of my heart. You really know how to make a girl blush :)
I'm slooooooowly starting to realize that my weight doesn't define me. That people will love me no matter what size I am.

Now I have to gush and make you all vomit at how sweet my hubby is. On friday I got my teeth professionally whitened for the first time. When I went back to work my teeth started hurting. I was texting the hubs and here was the exchange.....

Me: Got my teeth whitened for reazy
Hubs: Yay dear!
Me: yeah but now they hurt lol
Hubs: Oh but dear
Me: They are purdy though
Hubs: So they match the rest of you
Me: Awe... I yuv u dear :-* (<---kissy face)


I love those little nuggets of unexpected compliments. It's always nice when you ask "how does this look?" and you get a compliment but you know it's coming. When it hits you out of nowhere is when it means sooooo much.

My hubby has never seen me below 213 lbs. He married a fatty and has been with me for 8 years loving me for me. For a long time I thought I wasn't good enough for him, that we didn't "match" Well, I'm finally starting to realize that we do "match"... In every way. I'M the one who has focused on my weight....not him.


I love him... and I'm so lucky to have him by my side through all of this. I couldn't do it without him.
(although we will need to have a serious talk about his love of candy and soda..... )

Drumroll please.......

Ladies and gentleman...the moment you've been waiting for.....

BEFORE PICTURES!!
"oooooooo" "aaaaahhhhhh"
I know there's been soooo much anticipation (are you sensing the sarcasm? lol) but the time has finally come. Here are a few pictures post Zumba from the other night.

Wow, this almost brought a tear to my eyes.... It's amazing how different these pictures look in comparison to how I feel. I've always known I was overweight but this isn't exactly what I see when I look in the mirror. I didn't realize I looked like this. Maybe it's because I make it a point to only look in the mirror when all I can see is my upper half...and fully clothed...and full makeup and hair lol.

You know how people with anorexia and bulimia look in the mirror and see an overweight person? Well is there such thing as an overweight person looking in the mirror and seeing someone thinner? Have I just been lying to myself? Have others been lying to me? Whatever the case may be, these pictures are the last remnants of my old self. From now on the me in pictures will be getting smaller and smaller.

Here a couple more gems I found, just not as recent as these.

Ok this one was just for fun.... We were old farts for halloween lol (i'm the tender lovin' grandma in the middle rockin the sweatsuit!)

I may get sad when I look at these pictures because of the way I look... But you know what else I see? 

Hope...

This is the last time I will see myself this way...

And I couldn't be more motivated. :)

Name change!

So if you haven't noticed I decided to change the name of my blog. I got to thinking... (no it didn't hurt lol)

I'm not REAL handy...
The band will be REAL handy...
But this isn't about the band...
It's about me!
*thinks*
I'm pretty dandy...
And I'm gonna be a bandy

Soooooo.... I'm no longer The Handy Bandy
But rather The Dandy Bandy.

Sorry for the confusion (if it caused any)
But I think this fits much better!

On a side note, I know I said I would post before pictures last night but I felt like giant hunk of poopie....
So tonight will be before pictures!

(That is unless I can think of another splendid excuse!)

It makes so much sense now....

THANK YOU Morgan (maximizing my minimizing)!!!!

I just had another "Ah-ha!" moment after reading her comment on my last post and my response.

"Thank you for being the voice of reason Morgan! I felt kind of defeated and almost just said screw it, on to tomorrow! But you are right on... I need to move, if even for a walk. It was just so irritating because I was so motivated and day 2 already a fail..."

*chokes on my water*

Did I really say that?
Did I really feel that way?

I thought nothing of it as I typed it, then going back and reading I thought:
"You stupid mcstupidstein, mayor of stupidsville!"

I had a rush of memories (like a movie montage) from over the years of me saying terribly negative things to myself whether outloud or internal dialouge.

No wonder I  failed  EVERYTIME I lost weight with any diet or exercise program I ever tried.
No wonder I always gain all the weight back.
No wonder I can't stick to any program forever.

I'm NOT failing.... but I think I am. I take every mistep... every little think that doesn't go my way and call it failure.

Just an example of things I've said/done in the past and never really noticed until about 10 minutes ago:
-"Damnit! Why did I just eat that cookie? Now my whole day is shot... I might as well not exercise"

-"I only lost .2 ?!?!?! I did everything right! Oh well, I'm super upset, I want an Ice cream."

-"I don't feel good, I'm not going to exercise" the next day "Well, I didn't exercise yesterday so why should I today? I'll just start over next week"  the next week "Wow, I gained 1 lb. This is never gonna work. I'll just start up again next month.


You know it's crazy because everyone around me would describe me as outgoing, funny, bubbly, always in a good mood..... So why the HELL can I not be that way to myself?

Friend: "Blah, I just caved and had a slice of cake"
Me: "Oh don't worry about it! Just a blip in the radar, keep on track and don't get down. You can do it!!"


Me: "Blah, I just caved and had a sclice of cake"
Me: "You are such a loser...you just blew your whole day if not your whole week. Why even try, you won't succeed"


Wow.... (I seem to be saying that alot lately)

Why do I treat myself SOOOOOO much differently than I treat others?
It feels like the veil is lifting and I'm FINALLY seeing myself. Not the self that everyone else see's and hears but the self I see and hear on the inside.

It's time that I become my biggest fan instead of my worst critic.
So what I didn't feel good this morning and didn't get to Zumba. That will NOT ruin my day, or my week, or my month, or my life.

I'm gonna go for a walk instead.... with my head held high.

Bleh.... stupid sinuses!

I think my body is sabatoging my efforts...

A friend of mine gave me a diet/exercise plan to help me drop the last 10 lbs I need to in order to donate eggs next month. They want to get it done before lap-band so we are cutting it close.
Anywhoozle, this plan started yesterday and includes me waking up and doing 45 minutes of zumba every morning at 5am. Sounds crazy right?

Well, yesterday morning was awesome...hopped up out of bed, Zumba'd my tush off and had a great day.

Last night right before bed I started getting a headache (I'm pretty sure a little creature crawled inside my head and started pounding on my brain with sledgehammer but how does one prove that?) I  thought I would just sleep it off so with the help of hubby I fell into slumber with him gently caressing my face and back to help me relax

ZzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzz....

5am... alarm went off... sat up... room spun, head throbbed, throat hurt, couldn't breathe, couldn't hear, sinus pressure to the max.

Needless to say Zumba did.not.happen.

I'm feeling better after taking some medicine so I will try and Zumba my tushie off tonight instead. (After I find the creature in my head, pull him out, bread him, deep fry him and feed him to my cat)

I don't understand what kind of operating system my sinuses are on. I'm completely fine...then BAM. It's like I got hit by a truck.

On a lighter note, I took some before pictures. I will post those tonight after I take measurements as well.

(Totally not looking forward to this but I need to face the fat!)

What a tease!

I know, I know you all have been on the edge of your seats holding your breath since I teased about having a fatty photo shoot and showing you all my jiggly bits. Oh and the tease of posting the pictures of me in football and wrestling.

I can explain....

I'm still searching for the football and wrestling pictures. I have them in a binder that I put in a very special place that I would never ever forget in a million years! (Well, I forgot.... so I'm still searching!)

Fatty photo shoot? Well, I've been putting that off for obvious reasons :) Who wants to take pictures showing off what you have been programmed to believe your whole life is unnatractive and shameful?

I do what I think is a very good job of dressing my fat away. Meaning, I dress in a way to minimize the appearance of my fat as much as possible. Does it work? Hopefully. Others may not think so but I do so, Meh. If you know me, you know that I do not wear shirts that the sleeves are above the elbow. I HATE my arms, they are my most unnatractive and fatty feature in my opinion. I have cardigans and sweaters that I rock almost daily. If my shirt doesn't cover my elbows I just throw one of those bad boys on and POOF, the arm fat disappears. (did I mention I'm also a magician?) 100 degrees outside? My ass is in a damn sweater!

 Same thing with my legs, i'll only flash calf! The shortest my pants go are capris. I own 1 singular pair of shorts and that's just to wear around the house when it's unbearably hot.

Oh lordy don't get me started on swim suits... or shall I say swim dress/moomoos? I try to avoid swimsuits at all costs. If I HAVE to wear one I will, but so help me god if you get a picture of me you are goin' down! Remember when I mentioned I was fat hiding photo ninja?

Here's me in my swimsuit :)

 The hottie on the left is my beautiful cousin. And of course my goofy daughter in the middle. See my ninja skills? Always making sure my body is never in a picture!

So in conclusion you can see all the great excuses reasons why I haven't posted the aforementioned pictures but I promise you i'm workin' on it!

Hubby has already agreed to be photographer this weekend.

Can I be 100% honest? I'm terrified.....

Confessions of a chocolate bunny...

I know we are a couple of days past Easter but I have been doing a lot of eating thinking over the past 2 days and have decided that if I am going to do this blog I need to lay it ALL out there. Good, bad or indifferent it all makes the cut. I started this blog to help hold myself accountable and it won't work if I hide the bad parts.

I found out on Easter (well, had an a-ha moment at least) that this is gonna be hard.
What?!? Hard?
Yes HARD.
Not the surgery... not the fills and the appointments and the adjusting... No the Lap-Band is going to be the easy part.
The hard part is going to be changing the way I think, or rather the way I feel about food.  The way I train my brain and my body to eat for survival not for happiness, or sadness, or celebration.

I have been doing soooo good the past few weeks with my diet and getting my exercise going. Making healthy food choices, staying within my calories, starting Zumba.

Then along came the Easter bunny.... Apparently an irresistible, diet sabotaging creature that uses some kind of voodoo to make you forget about everything you've been working so hard for.
At least this is what I thought as I was stuffing my face full of deviled eggs, baked beans, potato salad, ham, jello-salad, cupcakes and delicious chocolate bunnies.
Did I mention this was just lunch? Oh yeah, just lunch.. I don't even want to begin thinking about how many calories that was.

The beauty of having family close is that there are always 2 dinners for every holiday. So we hop on over to my grandma's house for dinner. I think I forgot I ate that day (or just erased it from my memory) because I ate like it was my last meal on death row. Again with the ham, the deviled eggs, the Hawaiian sweet rolls, the cheesy-gooey-fatty-delicious taters, the fried green beans.
PHEW! Glad that's over!
Wait.... I forgot... MORE cupcakes... strawberry shortcake...  and another egg hunt complete with delicious candy.

Wow, did I really just eat all that? I couldn't have... I must have been counting what my husband or my kids were eating too.. There's no way that this little ole girl ate ALL that food.

*gulp*

That was not a dream... that is really what I ate. And as I sit and think about it I start going back through the memories of past holidays.

Halloween?.... feast like a beast
Thanksgiving?...coma inducing feasting
Christmas?.... Can you say fudge?
Easter?.... Damn you chocolate bunny!
Memorial day? ... grillin' out baby
July 4th?... Feasting then fireworks
Birthdays? ... Don't get me started

I see  a theme here... and I realize now how easy it is to have a toxic relationship with food. I'm realizing that to be successful with the band I need to reevaluate my celebration habits.

This band is not going to make everyone around me eat better.
It's not going to make all the aforementioned holidays and celebrations disappear.
It's not going to make the casseroles and candies and fudge and desserts less appealing nor prevent me from partaking in them.

You know what the band is doing for me? It's giving me hope. I don't even have it yet but I know it's right around the corner. And I know it will help make that list a little easier to cope with.

Making better food choices is still going to be up to me... just like it always has been. This weekend was rough and I'm still recovering from it and convincing myself it's not the end of the world rather just a bad day.

At first I was really bummed out because I couldn't get my surgery back in september when I first started this process. I was so angry, and had lost hope that this would be an option for me. I wanted kick my insurance company in the face for making me do this 6 month diet.

But you know what? I've been learning soooo much in these 6 months... Not just about banded life, but about myself. I've been having a lot of "A-ha!" moments... A lot of light bulbs going off... about myself and why I am the way I am and the relationship I have with food. I have realized the lap-band is not going to change the way I feel about food. I have to change that. It's not going to take away the bad days, or the stress in my life or change the fact that I eat when I have any severe emotion on either end of the spectrum.  But for the first time in my life I have taken responsibility for the situation I am in and have accepted the fact that I'm the one who got into this mess and I'm the only one who can get me out of it.

The lap-band will help me... it will be alongside me the whole way cheering me on. But changing my life will be up to me and me alone.

I am so ready for this I can taste it.

Why I'm getting the Lap-Band

Some of you may be wondering.... "Why in the world are you getting the Lap-Band?"

Exhibit A:

Mackenzie and her 72 eggs!

Exhibit B:


Silly baby, candy's on the inside!

Exhibit C:


Who's that hottie? Oh, and who is guy in the shades! Bahaha!

 This is my family... My life!

But THE most important exhibit? :




ME!

That's right... Me. Wow, that's crazy... For so long the other 3 (and others) have been my priority. I always do whatever I can for others. I forgo sleep, showers, exercise, meals, makeup etc... For those 3. (Don't get me wrong, I do it because I love them and I'm not complaining) But I've always felt guilty if I put myself first. Maybe I just haven't felt like i'm worth it.... I have finally realized that in order to take care of my family, I have to take care of myself.

Saying that out loud sounds so weird...

I want to run with my girls at their little league practices.
I want to keep up at the zoo and the amusement parks (and fit in the seats comfortably!)
I want to be able to play outside with them for hours instead of sitting down WATCHING them play.
I want to actively watch them grow up
I want to see them get married
I want to meet and play with my grandbabies (and great grandbabies if i'm lucky!)
I want to be a better wife.
I want to be able to keep up with my husband in ALL aspects of life (wink wink!)

(Speaking of husband...I have always wondered why my husband loves me as much as he does. When we got together it was kind of just common knowledge that he was super hot and I "had a pretty face" but not the hot bod you would expect to see a hot dude with. I always felt so insecure about my body and my weight. I felt like maybe he didn't realize I was a fatty... maybe I'm just hiding it well! I just couldn't accept the fact that he loved me for ME... all of me. He's been there for me through thick... I know he'll be excited to be there for me through THIN! )

Anywhose...I have realized that if I want to be able to do all these things I need to change my life. At this specific moment in my life at age 26 I have a pretty clean bill of health. Perfect cholesterol, perfect blood pressure, perfect blood sugar levels. I'm a picture of health lol. But I can see every day where my current path is leading me.

I love my momma, with all my heart. I would NEVER want to offend her (especially since she loves my blog and reads every word!)  In her, I see my future... I see type 2 diabetes...blood pressure medicine, cholesterol medicine, knee replacements, hip pain, back pain. This is NOT the future I want. I just wish that things were better for her and that she had the opportunity to join me in this. If I had $16k laying around I would give it to her in a heartbeat.

Momma!

How could you not love this lady?!?!

This is NOT going to be easy...

So if you read my little "about me" blurb to the side you know It's a little crazy... Someone struggling with their weight....about to be banded... wanting to own a cupcake shop? You must think i'm insane.

But I love it... I love baking...

 These are cupcakes and cakes I made for a benefit dinner cake walk.

I actually purchased my first "professional" tools to make this. I was so proud of my first made from scratch everything creations! Maraschino cherry cake with Italian merengue buttercream icing. I was kind of disappointed in the icing... tasted like butter lol. Well, not too bad for my first homemade creation! (i've been baking for a long time, usually modifying box mixes and using canned frosting)

I'm super proud of myself though! I only ate 1 cupcake! Yay! Go me! :)

So what is this "Lap-Band" thing?

As promised I give you part 2!

Where am I going for surgery? Malley Surgical Weight Loss Center  in the Kansas City area. Go to their site and look around if you are interested in learning more.

Who is my surgeon? Dr. Nicole Fearing. She is super nice BTW!

For my 6 month supervised diet I am seeing Karen Gage, APRN. (P.S. she's so wonderful... I LOVE my visits with her!)

I know a lot of you out there have only heard of the Lap-Band but aren't really familiar with EXACTLY what it is. I will give you a quick rundown, but their website has wonderful information.

Let me just start by addressing some negative ideas about the Lap-Band that I have encountered (and admittedly used to think myself!)

* "CHEATER! Lap-Band is the easy way out...the magic pill."

----You couldn't be more wrong.... The Lap-Band is anything but easy (I don't know first hand yet but from my appointments and other banders, I get it lol) The Lap-Band is simply a tool for weight loss, just like anything else anyone else does (weight watchers, atkins, pills, shakes etc...) Just like any other tool, when used incorrectly it doesn't work.

* "The Lap-Band keeps you from eating all the bad foods."

-----Wrong again! Most people who are banded can still basically eat whatever they want. The Lap-Band does not make healthy food choices for you, that's still up to you.

* "So once you get the Lap-Band, you will lose all your weight really quick."

-----Everybody now... WRONG! The lap band will only help you lose up to 60% of your excess body fat. The rest is completely up to how hard you are willing to work.

I could go on, but we'll save some for another day! :)

Now what does this thing look like?

Crazy huh? The loop, cushiony looking thing is what wraps around your stomach. The little thing at the other end is the port which is right under your skin. This is where they insert saline to give you a "fill".

Here's where they wrap her around your stomach.

The point of the Lap-Band is to basically make a small pouch stomach and they fill it with saline to create a very small opening. The Dr. described it to me as a funnel. You get full quickly because all the food sits in that little pouch. You feel full longer because it takes a while for the food to filter down through the funnel and into your stomach and intestines. (remember I'm making a long story short here...just giving basic info.) 

This stays in you forever, unless you have some sort of problem. It's adjustable so they can put in or take out saline to accommodate changes in your life/body.  

Now you get the idea of the journey I''m about to take. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Also click on the links above if you want to read more about it.

Once upon a time. In a land far, far away....

*** WARNING! this is a long post! But worth it :) ****

Today seems like a good day to go ahead and tell you my story thus far!

I have actually been thinking about the Lap-Band Surgery for many years. My mom and I actually attended a seminar back about 3 or 4 years ago. At that time it was just a dream...completely unattainable. My insurance at the time excluded bariatric surgery or weight loss help of any kind. With the price tag of $16,000 it looked like this dream would only become a reality if I got all 6 numbers on the mega millions! Popped out a couple kids... I was still struggling with my weight despite numerous efforts to shed the lbs on my own and with the help of programs like Weight Watchers, gym memberships, diets...etc.

Enter a friend... a great friend...(she knows who she is!)  she got the Lap-Band. She was self-pay. She was motivated. I watched her struggles, her successes, her highs, and her lows. She is now oh so close to her goal and I couldn't be more proud of her. The whole time she's losing weight she's sending me subliminal messages about me getting the lap band... Ok, she was flat out telling me I should SOOOOOO do it!

Enter new job.... with new health insurance. Hmmm.... noticed here that there is coverage for bariatric surgery. Hmmmmm indeed. First though I had to squeeze me out a little baby, then it's on! So when I was pregnant I asked my OB her thoughts on the Lap-Band. She said she thought it was wonderful and that I would do great!

The wheels kept turning... Hmmm...

I worked up the courage to call my insurance company and ask them for the criteria for getting approval for the surgery.

Here's where this momma gets a little mad. Here I am, trying to do everything I possibly can to ensure an easy process... The insurance company sends me the requirements, AND verbally gives them to me over the phone. They were presented to me as follows:
* Over 18 (check)
*BMI 40 or greater (check)
*Nutritionist evaluation
*Psychological evaluation
*Tried losing weight in the past. Example Weight Watchers, adkins, gym etc... (check omg check)

Wow! 3 outta 5 ain't bad!

So I scheduled an appointment at the surgeon's office for my consult. It went great. The Dr. explained all the WLS options and verified I am a great candidate. The insurance coordinator calls my insurance and is given the exact same criteria listed. YES!

Next to the nutritionist... Learned alot about how I would be eating pre and post band. VERY informative.

On to the psych eval... Wow, 3 1/2 hours of telling my life story!

So I'm done right? The Insurance coordinator at the surgeon's office sends off my little paperwork packet to my insurance company for approval. She said she usually hears back within a week.

LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG  Week!!!!!

I get a call... APPARENTLY my insurance company is in the business of LYING to their policy holders and to physicians.... They now magically need a 6 consecutive Dr. supervised diet.

I was devastated. I think I cried for 3 hours that night.... I was so ticked that I just said whatever and kind of forgot about it. I realized this was still just meant to be a dream and nothing else.

Enter my lap-band friend AGAIN. We spent a day together and she lit a fire underneath me. I can't even remember exactly what was said.... but she just has a way of motivating me! I love her!

I called the surgeon's office and explained how I got discouraged and gave up for a couple months but that I was ready to do my 6 months but needed a recomendation for a Dr. since I don't really have a primary, just my OB. She said "We actually have a Dr. in our office now that does the supervised diets. Let's set you up!"
I scheduled all my appointments right then and there.

Yes, i'm on my way... I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have an appointment on April 26th and then my LAST one on May 29th. After that is the week waiting game again. I will probably not sleep that whole week!

I'm going to go ahead and end it here for now.  I'm sure everyone wants to know where i'm going, who my surgeon is etc. I'm sure some of you aren't familiar with the lap band and would like to know exactly what it is. This will all be answered in part 2.

Makin' babies....

I had a reader just ask on my last post about my weight and if it affected my getting pregnant.

Short answer: Yes

Long answer: After I met my hubby I gained 60 lbs in 6 months putting my top weight at about 272 lbs at my  wedding in September 04'. After a couple of years not using any protection, we just thought I or he couldn't make babies (not that we were trying, but figured if nothing happened yet I guess it can't right?)

Some girlfriends convinced me to join Weight Watchers and I lost 50 lbs. Then my Dr. convinced me to (or scared me into) start taking birth control. Took it for 3 months, it made my tummy upset so I stopped taking it. 2 months later I had a positive pregnancy test! 9 months later, enter Mackenzie Lyn...

About to pop! 

Dang, those contractions hurt!

6/2/08 9lbs 8oz! Big girl 

I gained about 35 lbs during that pregnancy and had a VERY hard time losing it afterwards.

2 years later we decided maybe we wanted another. I weighed about 240 lbs. After a year my Dr. decided to check my ovulation...wouldn't you know it, I wasn't ovulating. It seemed due to multiple cysts on my ovaries. We decided Clomid was the way to go. Started first cycle at 50mg.... progesterone test came back negative...no ovulation. So we kicked it up a notch. 2nd cycle was 100mg. During that cycle I found out that my insurance wasn't covering the progesterone tests and they were $135 a pop so we decided to just go back to letting nature take it's course. I thought that month was done for because we only got it on 1 time and also no progesterone test. I was irregular anyway, so at the end of what should have been my cycle + 2 weeks late I took a test.... POSITIVE! 9 months later, enter Rylie Mae....

 About to pop again...

 I guess I'm getting used to the contractions!

8/3/11 8 lbs 11 oz, another big girl! 

I'm having a hard time getting to pre-prego weight now too... Right now i'm sitting right at 250 lbs. Counting down the days until my last supervised diet appointment so we can submit it to insurance for approval. Oh June, you really can't come soon enough!

Oh LAWDY! What a day!

Let's start out by giving a little background on my almost 4 year old Mackenzie.... she is in a word : Fearless. I always wonder and wait for that phone call saying she's broke an arm..or a leg...or her head!

Well, that day came yesterday! My husband called me and said they school called him. Apparently my little daredevil decided it was a GREAT idea to do a backflip off the little rockwall on the playgym mid-climb. How did she land? Directly on her head.

Long story short she had to have 2 staples. My brave little girl was a champ though, and cuddled with the Dr. afterwards.

So you would think after such a traumatic event she would be a little more careful playing.... you would THINK.... Well, that little booger stood at the top of the slide and jumped all the way to the grass, completely jumping over the slide. Hmmmmm.... I wonder where she gets her sense of adventure? It couldn't be her mother who loved climbing AND jumping out of trees, or swinging as high as I could then jumping out mid-swing.  Her mother who played full contact football for years... and wrestled...and played softball.

"Football?!?!" you say? Yes, football. Which brings this back to my journey. Looking back I always told myself I don't really know when my struggle with weight started. In my little league, if you were over a certain weight you had to wear a strip of red tape along your helmet so the refs would know who was overweight. This meant you couldn't carry the ball on offense. You know I had a red tape line EVERY year except the last one? All growing up I always would just say "oh, well I wasn't fat... I was just a really solid little kid" Who am I kidding? I was overweight! Just because I didn't have rolls, or a double chin doesn't mean that I wasn't overweight. I can finally admit to myself that I have been overweight since childhood.

Wow... that's a hard pill to swallow... This blog is really making me examine myself and the way I think, and the reasons I am the way I am. I think all this self discovery is going to be an imperative part of being a Band Rockstar!

Speaking of Band Rockstars, let me please give credit where credit is due. Lap Band Gal is the inspiration for my blog. SHE is a Rockstar. I can only hope to be as succesful as she has been. Go check out her blog, she is truly inspirational! :)

Again, sorry for the novel. Looks like I have a lot more on my mind than I thought!

Oh and I know you all want proof of these tales I tell of girls playing football and such. I will "wrestle" up some pics and scan them. (pun definitely intended)

Looking for "before" pictures....

***Disclaimer--I have a sense of humor about my weight... so I use the word "Fatty" if this offends you, then you may not want to read this post...cuz I say it..quite a bit ***

So i'm learning things about myself through this blog that I didn't know before... Or maybe I did know but chose to ignore! Here I am sitting at my computer last night searching through my literally THOUSANDS of pictures looking for a nice, fatty "before" picture. That should be easy right? I mean i've been a fatty for a VERY long time, in fact for my whole adolescent and adult life. WRONG! Apparently I have become a body hiding photo ninja master! Apparently I am terrific at never allowing my whole body to be photographed!

I have some from my wedding but that was 8 years ago... (look at my handsome hubs!)

September 25th 2004 about 270 lbs

I have some from when I was pregnant but those don't count...

July 4th 2011 about 250 lbs...and 9 months pregnant!

hmmmm... Looks like hubby is going to be playing photographer for my "Phatty Photo Shoot"!

Oh boy, this is gonna be a long 7 days!

Here is what my next 7 days looks like:

I picked this up at GNC, says you lose 7 lbs in 7 days. I sure hope so because I need to lose 14 lbs before May. "But wait here Julie, you aren't getting banded until June..."  Yes, that's correct. I will make a long story short here and explain said 7 day fast loss kit. A little over a month ago I was approached by a couple who had been trying to have a child for a very long time  now and have been unsuccessful. What is they wanted from me you ask? Eggs. I felt so honored that they would ask me to be a part of something like that. I was so excited and ready to do whatever I could to make this couples dream of a baby become a reality. So, she scheduled my appointment with their fertility Dr. right away. As my appointment approached I started thinking "what if i'm too fat and they won't or can't use my eggs?" I was really nervous about it, I mean I didn't want to be the one to dash their dream!

Appointment day came... can I tell you I don't think I've ever met a nicer Dr.! In the appointment she complimented me on everything, sono looked good, ovaries looked good. Then came the part I was dreading. "The anesthesiologist is going to have a concern because of your BMI. Right now it's at 45 and we need it at a 40" ........wow...... there's a dose of truth for ya right there. So this couple has spend hundreds of dollars on my appointment, and we hear this. I told her about the lap band and she was very enthusiastic about it and proud of me for taking control of my health. THANK GOD the couple was not discouraged and told me "don't worry about it, we'll get ya there!"  wow..... no judgement.... this is a new concept for me. I'm used to being embarrassed about my weight....these people are accepting me and helping me...sweet! So we go to our counseling sessions, get the contracts from the lawyers all ironed out. Everything is ready to go... except me. I've only lost 11 lbs... and I needed to lose between 25-30. ALL the Dr's involved really want me to do this before my lap band... in june.

Enter 7 day fast loss. I GOTTA get these last few lbs off. But here in lies the dilemma.... If I lose too much my insurance won't approve my surgery. My BMI HAS to be above 40. Thank goodness the Dr. doing my 6 month diet will keep an eye on it for me and tell me when to stop losing. All these people working hard for me, it's a very strange feeling. I've always tried to hide from my weight and right now it's everybody's business and for once everyone is on my side! I gotta tell ya it's an awesome feeling and I hope I continue to have support every step of the way.

Anywhos, I guess that's enough for tonight. Sorry for the novel. I guess there's just alot to tell you about me here in the beginning. My first few blogs may be long... just to get some background out of the way!

Wish me luck!! :)