Cool ass giveaway!

Hey everyone! Just saw on Laura Belle's blog a giveaway through "Bat Crap Crazy"'s blog. It's for a Bondi Band. It catches your sweaty mess so it doesn't go into your eyes. I really want one... fo sho. You should go on over and check it out and sign up! There are lots of ways to get extra entries :)



Click  Here to sign up!

Monday Weigh In and weekend recap

Starting weight: 261 lbs

Surgery day: 234.4 lbs

Todays weight: 227 lbs

-1.0 lb loss this week

-7.4 lb loss since surgery
-34 lb loss overall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOOHOO! I'm super happy about that 1 lb loss! Do I wish it was 5? OF COURSE, don't we all?! But i'm content with my 1 lb ESPECIALLY after my week/weekend.

I don't know why I said that... I really didn't do anything bad lol
But before we get to that I must thank each and every one of you...
All of your poop dancing and poop praying has payed off!! I am currently on a NORMAL poop schedule YAY ME!

 *does happy dance*

I feel so much better! ;)

Now my weekend! Friday was good, did good during the day.. had leftover wonton tacos for lunch then for dinner had leftover wonton lasagna Ii see a pattern forming here...quick go buy stock in wonton wrappers!) Nothing noteworthy that night. Sat on pinterest for like 2 hours and looked up youtube videos...some much needed lazy time!
Saturday folks! We met The Hubs mom to drop off The Baby so she could stay the night. The Big Girl was staying with my mom that night. We were going to have a date/romantical evening. Well, let's just say it wasn't quite what I thought it was going to be. After we dropped off baby we went to see The Watch... let me tell you, if you like vulgar humor you will love this. I thought it was hilarious but then again I have the sense of humor of a pre-pubescent boy...the more vulgar, the bigger laugh. Lots of dick&fart jokes..you'll love it.
Then we went home.
Sat on the couch in silence for a while.
Had to eat... so the next 30 minutes was us quasi-arguing over who was going to decide where to eat. Finally I just said "TACO BELL!!!" so off we went. Had about half of the new chicken cantina bowl and some cinnamon twists. Not bad!
Then where does our romantical night take us? Wal-Mart of course! We decided to get our grocery shopping in before our busy day Sunday. $100 later we leave and go home.
I start getting antsy... The Hubs is anti-social and doesn't like going out so he wants to stay at home and lay in bed and watch a movie.
No kids.at.all.
Is he EFFING nuts?!?!
I wanted to get out and do something. One of my friends was out celebrating her birthday so I met up with her. When I was getting ready to go out I decided for shits and giggles I would try on this cute cami type top I haven't worn since before I had my first baby.I really didn't think it would fit..... Guess what I wore out? Yup...that cami! I was so excited, and I was feeling confident baby!
 I had my very first post-band alcoholic beverage, a vodka cranberry. It was very small, tiny glass. Not a big mixed drink at all. It went good! And surprisingly I felt buzzed afterwards!!! Another friend was out at another place close to where I was at so I decided to go hang out with him for a while. I had one more drink there, a vodka pineapple. Another small drink. I must say after that one I felt a little bit on the drunk side. That's ridiculous! But I kept it easy and stopped after those 2 drinks and hung out for a while.
After we close up the place me and a couple friends are sitting outside on the bench. I'm sitting in between them. A guy I've never met before but knows the guys i'm with come up and starts talking to one of my friends. I'm not paying attention i'm just enjoying the nice breeze and all of a sudden I hear this dude say "I'm sorry man I can't concentrate, I was distracted by your friend. She has the biggest T*tties I have ever seen in my life!" I whipped my head around and said "Are you talking about my boobs?!?" He said "YES I am, they are perfect!" and he high fived me... all I could think of was "Uhh...Thanks..." he then went on to say "No seriously, they are absolutely perfect...and HUGE. They're perfect, don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!!" and finished up with 1 more high five. I wanted to say "Does that really work for you dude?!?"
I was kind of in shock... I mean I'm used to the big boob comments, I've had DDD's since 8th grade. I get it, their big..haha...the joke isn't funny anymore. But in recent years I don't get a lot of compliments or get hit on. People more jokingly talk about my chest. Maybe having confidence shows? I"m sure it does, I wasn't hiding in the corner all night. I was out there being my silly, not scared self. I was a little self-conscious but after that I thought to myself  "Man, I must be smokin' hot tonight!!! You know what? They ARE perfect... a little big for me (back pain wise) but dammit they are perfect!!"
It was really  nice to get a random compliment (i guess that's what it was lol) after my last experience at that place with those people when asshole random dude called me fat as he was passing by.

Sunday! The Big Girl had vacation bible school at week at her preschool. Sunday they had a special carnival and then a childrens service where they got to sing all their songs and talk about what they learned all week. It was soooo cool! She was so happy, and proud of herself and you could see her up there singing her heart out doing all the motions. It was awesome! Then they had a lunch downstairs. I had 2 slices of brisket and 1 tiny spoon of mac and cheese and 1 tiny spoon of the pasta salad. I did partake in the ice cream sundaes but I shared it with The Baby so I didn't eat it all myself.
Family dinner was chicken salad with rotisserie chicken and olive oil mayo. We had a lite pasta salad and an avocado/tomato salad. I did good, didn't have any bread or chips, kept my portion small and had NO dessert. Overall a good weekend and I can't complain about my 1lb loss.

Work sucks, I would've had this pushed out sooner but ... you know... work just sucks big ole donkey balls sometimes! We are going into busy season and I gotta get my game face on so I can make that CHEDDAH!

Everyone poops!

Well, except me apparently....

(btw... obviously this post is mostly about poop so feel free to not read on lol ...sorry Draz!)

 I think I'm going to have to give in and take me an effing laxative... or something to get my frakken bowels back to a less impacted state.

 I'm kinda stubborn and I thought I could just will my bowels into regularity... nope.
 Apparently bowels are not responsive to a "good talkin' to". I just try and avoid pills even OTC at all costs. I've tried prune juice but it ain't doin' the trick!   


Do I need to align my poop chakra? 





Everyone knows I'm a fan of the happy dance... and I've been doing the rain dance to try and bring on some rain in this horrible drought. I think maybe a dance could help out my current situation... 
Ok, tonight before you go to bed I need you all to do a poop dance for me. I'm not really sure how to do a poop dance... You guys are creative, i'm sure you will think of something. In my mind I see it as kind of a poop polka...


Not feeling the poop dance? Thought it was worth a try. 

How about a Poop prayer?


Poop voodoo?

A magic poop spell?

No? 


Ok, fine... before you go to bed could you just think to yourself..."Oh man... I hope Julie poops soon"  
STILL no?!?! 
Ok, just think poopie thoughts for me?... everyone do some simultaneous  deep breathing exercises while chanting "evacuate...EVACUATE....EVACUATE!!!"


Ok enough poop talk... I can't end my blog with poop...

So I leave you with this....

Thanks Maria for getting me on an Ermahgerd kick!:)

Hey! Keep it down in there! I'm making Wonton Tacos!!

Do you hear that?

SHHHHH!!! For real! Do you hear that?!

You don't? It sounds like a miniature Godzilla is being tortured to death by a bigger Godzilla who is about to be gobbled up by a mother flipping dinosaur all while fighter jets are flying overhead dropping bombs!?!? WTF is that?!?!

Oh....wait...I figured it out...

IT'S MY DAMN STOMACH!!

I didn't realize ones stomach could make noises which rival the sounds of a world war!

So I have to admit it.... I am starting to get HUUUUNGRRYYY!!! I believe the technical term for my current state is called bandster HELL! lol!

Ok, I'm exaggerating a little. it's not that horrible. It doesn't take much to fill me up and i'm definitely staying within my calories. My fullness just doesn't last very long. about 2 hours and the troops start gearing up down there for battle. It's crazy, the oddest sensation like a tugging feeling in my tummy. It's hard to describe.

Now on to the good stuff! I have a couple goodies to share!
First of all my new kicks... I LOVE them and can't wait to break em in! :)

I'm in frikken love with these things!

Lunch 2 oz sliced ham and 1 oz beef brisket... it was delish!

Now for the good stuff!! 

My nifty little Wonton Taco cups :)


Per MFP below each cup is:
190 calories
7g fat
14g protein

Ingredients:

36 wonton wrappers

1 lb lean ground turkey

1 packet taco seasoning (I used McCormick mild 30% less sodium)

1 Can fat free re-fried beans (I used Taco Bell brand)

1 can unseasoned black beans (I used best choice)

2% shredded cheese (I shredded 2 7oz blocks, 1 cheddar 1 colby)

Fixins! (I used onions, tomatoes, fat free sour cream, shredded lettuce, taco sauce)

Now let's put em together!

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees
• Brown turkey-once cooked add taco seasoning and whatever water it calls for. (mine was 3/4 cup)
• lightly spray a muffin pan
• Lay 1 wonton wrapper in the bottom of each muffin spot thingy (you can add a dab of taco sauce in there if ya want)
• Mix together your black beans and re-fried beans in bowl.
• Drop a dab (I just used a spoonfull) of the bean mixture on top of each wonton wrapper.

1 wrapper and dab of beans

• Put a pinch of shredded cheese on top
• Put 1 more wonton wrapper over the beans in each cup.(you can put another dab of taco saurce if you want!)

• Drop a dab (again I just used a spoonfull) of the taco seasoned meat to each cup.
• Top it off with a little more cheese.

• bake for 15 minutes. The edges of the wonton wrappers should be light brown and crispy. 

• Add fixins and enjoy! :)

 Finished product! Great portion and delish! :)

Ingredients	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein
Harvestland - Fresh Ground Turkey - Lean, 1 container (16 oz. (112g) ea.)	680	0	36	80
Taco Bell - Fat Free Refried Beans, 1 container (1 4/5 cup (130g) ea.)	350	63	0	21
Best Choice - Unseasoned Black Beans Rinsed and Drained, 1 container (1 1/2 cup (130 grams) ea.)	330	57	3	21
Mccormick - 30% Less Sodium Mild Taco Seasoning Mix, 1 container (6 tbsp. dry mix (7g) (seasons 2 tacos) ea.)	150	30	0	0
Kraft - Reduced Fat 2% Cheddar Cheese, Mild , 1 container (7 oz. (28g / 1/7th pkg.) ea.)	630	0	42	49
Kraft Natural Cheese - Colby 2% Milk Reduced Fat, 7 oz	560	0	42	49
Melissa's Wonton Wraps - Wonton Wraps, 9 oz = 4wraps	720	144	0	27
Add Ingredient

Total:	3420	294	123	247
Per Serving:	190	16	7	14

Monday Weigh In

Starting weight: 261 lbs

Surgery day: 234.4 lbs

Todays weight: 228 lbs

-2.1 loss this week

-6.4 lb loss since surgery
-33 lb loss overall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, has it really been a week since I blogged?!? I feel so out of the loop! I need to catch up... I'm feeling like bullets today...

•  Last week was rough, I had a LOT of shoulder pain. Pretty sure it wasn't gas...my shoulder would seize up and cramp like every single move I made. Sitting down, standing up, sitting still, laying down, turning, breathing...farting! It.hurt.so.bad.
• Use a heating pad they said.... It will make it feel so much better they said.... Well, my dumbass fell asleep with the heating pad on my effing shoulder!  Those mother heifers get hot...

Good thing my hubby woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to turn it off or else it probably would have been much worse.

• My Dr. does the post op appointments over the phone now... SWEET! Saved me a 45 minute drive! She was really happy with my progress and moved me up to 3rd stage foods! WOOOHOOO! I can eat REAL food now!
• I'm not really feeling any restriction so I've been tempted quite a few times to eat out of control. But i've kept it under control and I'm happy about that.
• I'm having trouble reaching 1200 calories a day...anyone else have that problem?
• I'm also having trouble getting all my water in....I'm trying though!
• It's my first day back to work and i'm feeling good! My stomach muscles are super sore for some reason but i'm good. (I was dreading that 5am alarm though ugh! i've been sleepin till 10!)
• Got me a new pair of tennis shoes...well technically running shoes as motivation to help me workout. My old ones were junk. I'm super excited they are BRIGHT blue and green. I'll post pics later.

My first post op weigh in

Starting weight: 261 lbs

Surgery day: 234.4 lbs

Todays weight: 230.1 lbs

-4.3 lb loss since surgery
-30.9 lb loss overall

I'm over the moon right now! I know these losses won't last but I am enjoying em' while I can get em'!

I'm doing good. Gas pains are getting fewer and farther between but when they come I just want to throw a temper tantrum like my 4 year old! I'm starting to get stiff from not being able to sleep like I want to. It's going to feel like heaven when I can start sleeping on my damn side again!

I started purees today!! Woo hoo! My cream of wheat this morning was delightful. I'm sure my tomato soup at lunch is going to be devine. I can't even tell you how excited I will be to have pudding! It's amazing how these things would have been last on my list and never would I get EXCITED over them. But after having protein shakes and gatorade for like 5 days it's like crab legs! (well, not quite...but you smell what I'm steppin' in)

It still feels weird when I say "My band" to someone... Or "I have the lap-band" still doesn't seem like it really happened! It's kind of like when I had my first daughter and I called down to the nursery and said "I'm Mackenzie's mom" It felt so weird... I was like I'm a frikken mom?

Well, I better get back to my difficult day of napping, walking, and eating small amounts of food!

TOODLES!

Post op day 2

Wow, I think I'm FINALLY caught up reading and commenting on everyone's blogs!!

I've been banded for 2 whole days now! Yipee! I'm doing good.... Gas pains are still there but not nearly as bad. The incisions hurt today...for sure. Now that all the anesthesia is worn off I'm sore as all hell! My right side is definitely more sore than the left. My calves have been really sore too... they feel much better today though.
I'm on full liquids until Monday and I move to purees. It's been hard to get in the amount of liquids and protein i'm supposed to. I can't have more than 8 oz of liquid in an hour. Between the gas pains... the pain med induced naps and me feeling like if I drink too much I'll eff something up... I'm not getting as much as I'm supposed to. But I'm getting better. I'm only getting in 1 protein shake a day. I can only have 4oz at a time so  it's hard to get it all in. I know it will get better each day, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Cupcake picked me up today and took me to a support group meeting at my surgeons office. They were all pretty impressed that I lugged my ass in there 2 days post op! I was glad I went. Met patients there in all stages. 1 guy was pre-op for the sleeve. There was 1 sleeve patient and his wife had the band. then there were 3 other bandsters and a nutritionist. It was good to hear everyone's story so far and to tell mine. I'm looking forward to going every month. They also offer a nutrition group and I think I will be going to those as well. The more I'm involved, the more motivated I will be.

I'm not going to do an official weigh in until probably monday. But I think It will be a good week ;)

It's hard being out of commission....I'm so excited to get started working hard.
I'm so ready for this change... I'm ready to fight for my life and work my ass off to succeed.

Dandy is now a Bandy!!! :)

OMG I'm a bandster!?! Can you believe it?!? It still kinda feels surreal, like maybe I just dreamed it. I know It will really sink in soon, maybe when I see my incisions after the bandages fall off? or possibly when I start eating real food and feel the restriction? Or maybe my first fill? We shall see!

Before I start telling you about surgery day I just want to say WOW! You guys rock my frikken world. Seriously. I was BLOWN AWAY by all of your comments, and shout outs and kind words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I'm so glad I have found this community full of support. I started this blog thinking only me, my mom and my grandma would read it. Boy was I wrong! It has helped me so much through this process. I mean, really... words cannot describe how you all have made me feel. I am truly blessed to have so many people rooting for me.

For all my new followers...WELCOME! I was just like you a few months ago reading blogs like Lap Band Gal...lurking her page...finding other blogs from her. I read her ENTIRE blog... from day 1 to present. Reading her story gave me so much hope and determination. She made me realize that I CAN do this. It IS possible. I've had some really awesome comments from new followers thanking me for my blog because they are thinking about or getting the lap-band and they have found inspiration in MY blog. This makes me happy. Some people choose to keep their lap-band private and I TOTALLY respect that. Me though? I want to share everything. I want to change my life and help others. I want to be there for people who have no one else in their life to talk to about their decision. I have had people whom I've never met feel so comfortable with me just to spill it all...get it all out... tell me that they are thinking about WLS when they have told no one else. I LOVE that. I LOVE helping people. I don't anyone to feel as though they have no one to talk to. If you feel that way PLEASE email me TheDandyBandy@yahoo.com also you can like me on facebook and message me there at www.facebook.com/thedandybandy. I will ALWAYS respond. And I will ALWAYS listen. (p.s. if you do have a blog please put the link when you comment so I can follow you!)

Ok, onto surgery day!
Arrived at New Hope Surgery Center at 6:00 on the dot after a fiasco at Mcd's on the way (my extremely tired husband wanted a biscuit and FAST food ended up taking a ridiculous amount of time for the number of employees..considering he was the ONLY customer in the lobby)
But we got there, and I only waited for about 3 minutes before they called me back.
Left my urine for the Preg test, negative...(thank you jesus!)
Went to my room to change. My nurse was Tiffany and we hit it off from the very beginning. Had a little trouble locating a good vein for my IV (not due to lack of skills...more like my deep ass tiny veins!) but she got it! (p.s. she used lidocain before the needle...Um...wow! I couldn't feel a dang thing!)
While she was doing my IV we chatted about our kids, about life. I told her about my blog and how wonderful this community is. She thought that was pretty cool.
Anesthesiologist came in to tell me that they would give me "I don't care" drugs right before they took me to the O.R. and then explained the anesthesia and that he will put a tube down my throat. Cool. Everything I expected.

My pre-op thumbs up! :)


My surgeon all along was supposed to be Dr. Nicole Fearing. She is the one I had my initial consult with and everything I had said she was my surgeon. They told me they were just waiting for her to show up to get started.
A little bit later, my mom said "You should this guy out there with these really cool tattoos on his arm!" About a minute later in walks the guy with the tattoos and crazy long goatee. It was THE man himself Dr. Stephen Malley. He said he would be doing my surgery today if that was ok. Fine by me...he is like THE man. Good thing I'm a "go with the flow" kind of person, I know some people that would have refused to have a different surgeon operate on them.
When nurse Tiffany comes in for final prep before they take me away I show her pictures of my girls on my phone and show her my cute little ducky cupcakes I made last week. So then we start talking about cupcakes.... I was giving her tips on how to fancy up boxed cake mixes and I tell her I can give her my pineapple cupcake and cream cheese icing recipe. She was like "really?!?" I told her it wasn't a secret, I just got it off the interwebs!
Ok, so she puts the sedative in my IV and they start wheeling me back. I slowly start feeling relaxed. I scootch over to the little operating table and they put the oxygen mask on me....
The next thing I remember I was back in my room and Nurse Tiffany was peeking in my room checking on me. I felt ok...my throat was a little scratchy and my shoulder hurt quite a bit. I was really out of it so I went back to sleep.
I would wake up periodically when she would come to check on me. She went and got my momma to come back with me (The hubs had already left... he was tired and HATES hospitals so I told him he could go after they took me back)

 thanks for the wonderful pic mom! that's me sleeping in the recliner post op.

My shoulder was hurting and I felt like I needed to sit up, so nurse Tiffany sat me up a bit. The next time she came in I told her I felt like I needed to sit up more so she asked if I wanted to go ahead and try sitting in the recliner. YES! It was such a relief, it felt so much better!
I napped in the recliner a bit until she came in and said Dr. Malley was about ready to have me do my barium swallow.
OMG, the walk down there was fabulous! It felt so good, and I let them know! I think they thought I was crazy when I said "Ahhhhh....walking feels soooo good" I'm sure most patients are probably moaning and groaning!
I stood against the xray machine and she showed me my band on the screen. I filled my mouth with the barium (which wasn't so bad actually) and on her cue swallowed it. It was so weird watching the liquid go through my band on the screen. She said it looked fantastic and sent me back to my room.

Just had my barium swallow.

A few minutes later Dr. Malley came in...handed me my gatorade and gave me my discharge instructions while I drank a little. After that went down with no problems he let me go. (oh also he said I had a hiatal hernia that he fixed while he was in there...I had no idea!)
The nurse wheeled me out and we stood there talking about my work as my mom went to get the car. I told her I like my job but it's just so far away it's hard. She said "how would you like working in the front office here?" I said, that would be fabulous!!!! So she told me to check with them when I started looking. HOW COOL!!!
After I stood up she gave me a hug and said she was so glad she met me and told me I was a sweetheart and she knew I would do great. I got her email address and I am going to email her my cupcake recipe tomorrow.

It was honestly one of the best experiences. They were all so kind and I felt so at ease there. I would recommend them to anyone in the KC area looking to have WLS.

Well, that was my surgery! Couldn't have asked for a better experience! :)

Im alive!!

Well im alive and BANDED!!! I will post later about surgery day but i just wanted to let everyone know im doing fantastic :)

Its finally happening

Well guys? Its time....finally! It seems like this process took forever but in the same breathe it was a blink of an eye! Before I go in I just wanted to thank all of you for your love and support. My family rocks and have.beem extremely supportive. Cupcake (my bestie) has been my rock. She is the one that pushed me to keep going after the initial insurance decline. She did the pre op diet with me....stayed up late with me texting me last night and was there at 5:25 this morning texting me again. I seriously love that girl. And blogland? I cant thank you all enough...you have welcomed me with open arms and accepted me into your world. I love you all...you have done more for me than you can ever realize. LBG...Drazil...Rockband Barbie....Theresa....Michelle you guys rock my world! And if i didnt metion you please know you are still included. Ive been prepped and im just waiting for the surgeon to come in and swoop me up to surgery!

See you on the flipside....

Night before surgery pics and measurements

Someone gave me the really good idea to pick a "goal" shirt and take pics in it periodically. Well, this is my first goal shirt. They were given away at the Royals game for ladies night. I think this is the largest one they had :( 

I LOVE this shirt and can not WAIT to fit into it. So, let's get this rollin... here are my official "before" pics and measurements. 

Thursday July 11th 2012

Weight: 235.6 lbs

Starting weight : 261

Neck..........15"

R bicep.......17 1/2"

L bicep.......17"

R forearm....12 1/2"

L forearm.....12"

Wrist............7 1/2"

Bust..............50"

Waist............46 1/2"

Hips................53"

R thigh...........24 1/2"

L thigh...........24 1/4"

 And of course, I'm never serious so I also had to sneak in a few goofy ones ;)

Isn't that shirt cute?

Oh no! Not "the girl!"

Ok, gather round everyone. It's storytime! 

I promised everyone pictures of my football and wrestling days in THIS post. Well today is the day my friends! I found the pictures FINALLY! I told my husband way back when to keep an eye out for my binder with the pictures in it. We finally got around to buying a storage unit to house all of our crap we can't fit in our house because there is absolutely no storage. He has been working very hard the past week at packing totes and lugging them up to the storage unit. So last night I ask him if he had found the binder while he was packing things up. 

He says "yes" 

I say "ok, so ... where is it?"

He says "in the storage unit..."

WTF?!?! (I guess it is Wednesday so the WTF is appropriate!) How are you gonna put that in storage when I've been looking for it for months?!? 

So of course we took a trip up to the storage unit and he looked through the boxes to find it ;)  

But before we get to the pictures I have to talk about my childhood...about things I never understood until I was an adult. There's really no "good" way to say it so I will just say it. I was sexually abused. For a very long period of time during my childhood. (almost my entire childhood) It started when I was only 3 years old.   I think the reason why it went on so long is because it started so early, before being taught the whole "don't let anyone touch your whoha" talks (or maybe there were but I was too young to comprehend) For much of my childhood I just thought this was life. It's just what happens. I was told not to tell anyone so I didn't. It wasn't until I can actually remember my mom giving me the "don't let anyone touch you" talk that  I realized what was happening wasn't right...or normal. I can't remember the exact age but I was probably around 5 or 6. 

It's amazing how our defense mechanisms go into action without us even realizing it. 

My brother played little league football so I was at many of his practices and all of his games. I sort of became obsessed. I wanted to be like my big brother... I wanted to play football, it was sooo cool! When I asked my parents if I could play the said yes with no hesitation. (it's a whole other story, but basically after almost losing me due to medical reasons they never wanted to hold me back from anything I wanted to do, no matter how unconventional) 

 Now we didn't have a girls league and a guys league. Mainly because I don't think any girls ever wanted to play. So everyone else in the entire league were boys. Much to my disdain but everyone elses relief, I was too young to play "tackle" football so my first year was flag football. 

From my very first practiced I was hooked... I was in love. In love with this game... In love with the atmosphere. That was in 1993.

 Here I am with my long hair in a braid...looking like a little girl kneeling next a football, smile and all. 

Awe... ain't I cute? 

The next year I was movin' up to tackle!! I was soooo excited. The 2 coaches for the 2 teams in my area were devastated when they found out there was a girl playing. We were just like the big leagues..we had a draft. Since there were 2 teams the coaches had draft picks and split up the remainder. Guess who was the VERY last pick? Yup..me... They had to flip a coin to see who got stuck with girl. My coach was pissed. We took our little league seriously and he had no idea what to do with me... Until our first practice. I pulled my weight and then some and stood out, not for being a girl but for my enthusiasm, dedication, and my kickin' ass skills! I can't remember which practice it was but I remember our coach pulling us all up and telling the story about the draft and getting stuck with the girl. I was mortified...I thought for sure he was gonna say something horrible about how I shouldn't be playing. No... ended the story with "After our first practice she was no longer "the girl"... she was a FOOTBALL PLAYER... a team mate, and I am truly proud she is on my team"  I think I almost cried that night. 

Still all smiles...long hair

The next year I was ready. Bring it on. I was ready to start snapping necks and cashing checks. The previous year I realized that having long hair SUCKED while wearing a helmet (I honestly don't see how all those NFL guys do it!?!?!) So I decided to cut it all off. Got me a nice bowl cut and headed out! Me and my team mates were a family. They stuck up for me when players for other teams would bad mouth me (remember I'm the only girl in the ENTIRE league) They had my back, and I had theirs. 

1995 age 10 - 4'8" 114 lbs

(yup at age 10 I weighed as much as 

many GROWN women) 

My coach that year begged me the entire season to join the wrestling team. He said he wasn't a wrestling coach but he would become one JUST so he could train me and work with me at practices. I finally said yes and he was excited. I was nervous...wrestling was a lot different than football... 

But I went out there... and I kicked a little A I won't lie :) Towards the end of the season my coach wanted me to drop down to a lower weight bracket. Enter my first diet...wow...at 10 years old. I've been doing this a while folks. It was healthy, my parents made me healthy meals and I trained with my coach EVERY night. I dropped weight ( I think like 15 lbs) and made my bracket. (after a night of running and spitting in a cup to drop an oz) So what was my reward for making weight? Me and my coach went to Snack Shack for a taco eating contest. (wow, food rewarding starting young too) he dropped weight with me and did all my workouts with me so I wasn't alone...he was a trooper! I made it districts and did ok but didn't make it state. I'm not mad...it wasn't really my thing anyways. I actually got hurt more wrestling than football...weird. Funny story. So, my hair was all chopped off and I'm in the exact getup you see below. I even had my headgear and mouthpiece in. I had to pee really bad right before a match so I went into the restroom. I walk in thinking nothing of it and get CHASED out by a 70 year old woman hollering at me and sticking her cain at me telling me "This is the girls restroom you little pervert!!" As i'm trying to get away from her I yell back "I AM a girl!!"  She didn't believe me and chased me out and I had to go use another restroom. It was also funny when I was in a match hearing the other kids mom and dad yell "Get him! Get HIM!!!" And then their coach would say "Um, that's actually a girl" ....pause.... "GET HER!!" lol

Look at me in my singlet! Ready to pounce! lol

So after wrestling, football started back up. This ended up being my last year for a few reasons. I hurt my back and blamed it solely on that but there was more. As I started getting older (11 years old lol) More and more people started having a problem with me playing. Since it was getting so close to actually starting school football the whole "cute" thing wore off and they didn't want me playing when it MEANT something (statistically speaking, it always meant something to me) even the coaches wife started showing her displeasure for me. I noticed I went from playing every single play of the game, both offense and defense to being benched.... a lot. I couldn't figure it out..every time he would put me in I kicked ass. One of the other moms overheard the coaches wife talking about how horrible it was that I was playing and that she basically made him bench me. So I talked to the coach about it...He decided EFF his wife, he was putting me in. But that really did it for me. I don't think I was ready to face all the people who didn't think it was cute I was playing football. It didn't matter how good I was, just the fact I was a girl playing in a town who is VERY football oriented was enough for people to hate me. I wasn't ready for that AT ALL. So I stopped. And it sucked. They would always ask me if I was gonna play...every year... even up to my senior year! lol

1996 11 years old

Keep in mind all of this was happening in the midst of frequent sexual abuse. It wasn't until many years later and a husband who was a therapist  (well, he basically has to beat my feelings out of me..no that sounds bad...he just has to beg!) I finally started realizing WHY this became my passion... WHY I was ok with people thinking I was a boy. WHY I wanted to be a boy. WHY all my friends were boys. I've also had a serious negative almost violent reaction when anyone tells me i'm "pretty" I would just get a disgusted feeling in my gut and snap at them. I couldn't stand the word...it gave me chills down and back up my spine. 

I blocked it out but upon many emotional conversations with my husband I remembered...suddenly and hard. Like a rush... My abuser called me pretty. Looking back now and remembering my emotions and feelings I realize that I didn't want to be pretty anymore... I thought that maybe acting like a boy or looking like a boy would make the abuse stop. I thought he would stop if I wasn't "pretty" any more. The abuse lasted all the way up to age 15. Even after all was said and done, abuse stopped, the authorities took over. It still stuck with me. I had a lot of emotional/sexual issues that were VERY hard for a teenager to deal with internally. I've felt worthless, like it was my fault, like no one was ever going to love me. Like maybe promiscuity was actually love. I've been over 200 lbs since an early teen. 

Although the abuse is LONG gone...and I have forgiven my abuser. Alot in my head and in my life is "right" now. This weight, this body... is the last painful reminder. A reminder of the way I felt weak for not speaking up. For allowing it go on so long. A reminder of the guilt I've felt my entire life. That i'm just not good enough. I'm ready for a new life... A healthy one...body, mind, heart and soul. I'm ready to shed my skin i've worked so hard to callous. I'm ready to finally be the me I know I am. I'm just ... READY. 

(P.S. if you didn't notice my counter, it jumped. The surgery center called and surgery will be at 7:30 instead of 9:00 woot woot!! Only 11 hours!)