TTT - Confessional Style

Oh hi there!

Remember me?

Dandy? Bandy?

YEAH! The one that hasn't blogged in like 2 months..... That's me...

I have decided to pick a Ten Things Thursday to make my triumphant return.

I wasn't gonna.. I was gonna just keep NOT blogging... but a conversation with my gorgeous friend (and lap-band rockstar) Rebecca who by the way has been a huge friend to me in this journey,  convinced me that is the exact opposite of what I need to do.

So without further ado I bring you my Ten Things Thursday Confessional....

1. So... I haven't blogged in over 2 months. Why? Because I did something I said I wouldn't do. I went against why I started this blog in the first place. I have always said that I would share the good the bad and the ugly. My struggles and my accomplishments...but you know what? That's easier to say when there isn't much bad or ugly... when accomplishments outweigh the struggles. My friends I stopped blogging because I was embarrassed. I was mad at myself because I went on a week long sugar ban... and then folded and the opposite happened, i started eating more sugar than ever. Let me just calls em likes I sees em here for a second. I've been a JERK to my lap-band and my goals the last 2 months. How you ask... let's move on to #2.

2. I went 2 months with only drinking about a bottle's worth of water.... TOTAL. Like, no sips of agua...just gave that shit up for some reason.

3. I eat chocolate as meals...whole meals. Like...what's for breakfast today Julie? OH ....6 mini reeses cups, a butterfinger bar and 2 hershey kisses. Fantastic.

4. I ate a whole batch of heath bar cookie dough in 2 days... yep.. 2 effing days. A WHOLE batch I shit you not.

5. I have been drinking regular soda... Like COCA COLA folks! like regular.ass.soda.

6. I haven't been counting calories, protein, making healthy meals, NOTHING. I've been eating a lot of frozen pizza and taco bell. I haven't been using lite sour cream or fat free cream cheese, or wheat noodles. NADA. I've eaten a LOT of chicken tenders and french fries for lunch.

7. I haven't exercised since my last post about Insanity. Nothing... No treadmill...no walks...no kettle bell... ZIP... ZILCH!

8. At this specific point in my life self control has gone out the window. We keep getting lovely gifts like this 10 ton tub of kryptonite.

 

I could seriously barely carry this monstrosity. Oh and there are only 8 people in my office. How in any universe is 8 people gonna finish half a million pieces of chocolate?  And why can't I keep my damn hands off of it? 

9. I'm done... i'm done feeling sorry for myself and i'm sick of this snowball of  "Eat bad...feel guilty...Eat something bad to feel better...Feel guilty for eating something bad...Eat something bad to feel better" IT.HAS.TO.STOP. and it stops now. 

10. You want to know what I have also realized? I got this. I know I have made it sound like I'm eating enough for a football team and it feels like I am... But I'm really not. Yes, I am making terrible choices of what i'm putting in my mouth. But the overall quantity is not nearly as bad as it feels. I haven't had batteries in my scale the past 2 months either so that stress had me DOWN. I was 100% positive I had gained AT LEAST 10 lbs, maybe even 15 or 20.  I finally put batteries in my scale... I took a nice, big, deep ass breathe and stepped on, nervous as all hell and what did it say? 

156 lbs

 I did a double take... That couldn't be right... So I weighed myself again to be sure... After weighing 9 times I finally realized that really was my weight. All that guilt and negative self talk was for NOTHING...literally nothing. I didn't gain a single effing lb. My last weigh in was in September and it was 156.3 lbs. I was absolutely astonished. I couldn't believe it. 

PHEW!!! I know now not to play with fire. To love myself and trust myself and not beat myself up. It's amazing how I have lost 105 lbs and my body looks completely different but my mind is still in fat mode.... mean, negative mode when it wants to be. I'm taking this as a lesson learned and I'm moving forward! Thank god i don't have to undo some crazy ass damage on the scale... i'm lucky as shit on that one! 

Look for me to be posting more... I HAVE to... the accountability and camaraderie keeps me motivated and focused. I'm no longer going to hide my jerk face moments. I'm going to own them so I can move past them!!! 

Here is a throwback thursday pic to see just how far I have come. Here is what 105 lbs gone looks like in my face. 

 

Till next time lovelies. I have lots of pics for you :) and I will do an official weigh in here in the next couple of days to start things back off right!