1. When I first started this blog I did so to hold myself accountable. I knew that people would be reading and cheering me on and watching every post and hoping I do great. I told myself I would be honest and tell everything, even when I was embarrassed, ashamed, mad, sad or whatever would make me NOT want to tell all you lovelies. So today's TTT will be all about confessions....
2. I haven't weighed myself since I went to the Egg Dr. a few weeks ago.
3. Why haven't I weighed? Because as Big Jim over at A Quest to Become Medium Sized so fittingly put it "I've been eating like a JERK" ever since Egg Dr. said to stop the meds and I found out I was approved for my surgery.
4. Actually I don't think "Eating like a Jerk" even begins to describe my last week and half. I shit you not I have LITERALLY had fast food/restaurant food for EVERY SINGLE meal. Mcd's breakfast, Mcd's or Taco Bell lunch, restaurant for dinner... It's been awful...and each meal is worse than the last.The guys at Mcd's has heard me say "can I have some ketchup please?" so many times now, they have it ready for me and I don't even have to ask...that my friends is sad. And I've reintroduced coke into my life.. that I'm ashamed of.
5. If it wasn't apparent before it sure the hell is now... I am an emotional eater. There, I said it. I will OWN it so I can CHANGE it. With all the craziness going on I have just been eating everything in sight.
6. I feel like absolute poo. From mid March to late May I ate amazing... I logged everything in MFP. I zumba'd my tush off, I lost 23 lbs! I felt awesome! I slept great, I had energy, I was happy. In just a week and a half I have managed to turn that all around. I'm tired every second of the day, I want to do nothing besides sit or lay (i'm not picky) and just rest. I call it rest, you may call it sitting on my fat ass being lazy and I would say you would be correct. I have gas...I have tummy pains...i'm irritable. Oh and I think the worst of all is my self pity and excuses. I eat horribly, then feel awful and guilty about it but what do I do? Turn around and eat just as bad if not worse at the next meal!??! WTF is wrong with me? It will take a shrink to figure that one out. It's a cycle folks, a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad cycle that I think many if not ALL of us can relate to at one point or another.
7. Decided to face the scale... I've gained 8 lbs. Isn't it crazy how quickly it seems you can put it on, and how EASY it is? But then to take it off is 100 times harder and may take triple the amount of time to lose it. This is where I think we feel defeated. We feel like we've screwed up and there's no use trying if you've fallen so far behind. I'm not going to let this defeat me. I control this...not the other way around. I start my pre-op diet and my new life next week. I'm declaring to myself and all of you that I will go out with a bang. For the last few days before pre-op I will not try and eat everything under the sun because it's my "last chance" Starting Monday I will log everything in MFP and I will start exercising again. My Dr. was so proud of me for the momentum I had with the 23 lb loss. I hate that I'm going backwards. It's time to move forward again. I don't want to go from eating out every meal with coke and ice cream to the next day protein shakes and broth.
7. As you know The Hubs lost his job last month and unemployment hasn't kicked in yet...but it should be..soon. He has started training in a completely new profession and it has taken him on the road twice in 2 weeks. He was gone wed-sat last week and has been gone since yesterday morning and isn't getting back until the middle of the night tonight. We've NEVER spent this much time apart in the 8 years we've been together. It's really hard, especially with 2 kiddos. I miss him... terribly. I don't have the patience to try and cook dinner with the kiddos after a long ass days work. This is going to take much more preparation on my part. I've never done this before so it's a learning experience. I'll figure it out, I just need time...and practice.
8. I have to finally admit it....my dirty little secret that usually shocks people.... I LOVE rap.. I LOVE R&B... I love my slow jams... People are so surprised when I start my car up and Tech N9ne is blaring. Or i break out in "Can I get a refill...Can I get a Reee-eeee---ee-ee-fil?" I like Lil Wayne... I like anything Strange Music. I've got Stevie Stone in my car right now on repeat. Before that was Kali Baby. I just love it. I get lost in it and I escape reality. I've been through alot in my life and Tech N9ne has always been there... he's been the soundtrack of my life basically. When I was depressed, or going through horrible things that no young person should ever go through... I would put on Tech N9ne... It's like he knew what I was going through... He knew my pain because he felt it too. He was never afraid to say the things that others couldn't. I felt like I had a voice through him. He has SOOO many songs that really hit my core. The feeling and the meaning behind his lyrics and his music gives me goosebumps. I can't tell you how many times he has brought me to tears with his music. Although he will never know who I am, I know him. His struggles has helped me through mine and I honestly don't know where I would be today without him. He taught me that life is worth living even when things turn to shit. He's taught me that everyone makes mistakes and things do get better. Ok, sorry I got so deep there...wow.
9. I ate half a large pepperoni pizza from Casey's tonight.
10. Tomorrow is a new day... I just need to pop in my Tech N9ne and get going.