Unexpected NSV's = Crying in the Bathtub!

Why am I up past my bedtime blogging? Well, I HAD to get this out while my emotions are still high and I FEEL it.

Let me start with this. There are sooooo many different types of situations here in blogland.

 I see a lot of people who used to be thin and then life happened and packed on the weight. They remember what it was like to be thin... they can't wait to get back to there. They just close their eyes and can see themselves thin.

There are people who have yo-yo'd thin/fat/thin/fat and have the same kind of feelings with the anxiety that this will be just another flick of the wrist and they will yo-yo back. Yet again those people can remember what it's like to be thin.

Some people reading this blog have never had a weight problem..have never had to lose more than 15 lbs to get back to green. Unlike the aforementioned they don't know what it's like to be obese.

Then there are people like me and I'm sure many of you reading. I have never been thin. Even as a child although I was active and athletic and didn't have the ROLLS that I have now I was still overweight. I honestly can not tell you when I was under 200 lbs, it was middle school for sure...had to be. Being overweight your entire adult life you have NO IDEA what it's like to be thin. You don't know what to expect. You know what I just found out? That's scary as shit....

So we all have goals, milestones, NSV's we expect. Losing pant sizes, fitting into smaller shirts, riding the rollercoasters, yada yada the list goes on and on. We look forward to those and when we get there we do a little bit of this action....

YESSSSS!!!! 

We pop our collars like the pimps we are and we set our sights on the next goal. What about unexpected NSV's?  NSV's you didn't even know existed.... comes out of left field and smacks you right across the face. 

Now that you know where I'm coming from...let me set the scene.  My legs hurt.. bad. If ya'll didn't know I ran my first 5k on Saturday with NO preparation or training...just took the eff off and ran. Walked some, ran some but was proud of myself. Now my legs are literally falling off. The Hubs ran me a HOTT bath so I could soak my poor muscles to make them feel better. I'm tired as hell seeing as I stayed up WAY to late last night and woke up often with sore ass legs! Kind of half out of it I stumbled into the bathroom and slithered into the bathtub. I sat there for a minute wooshing my legs back and forth to get the water moving. All of a sudden it was like a flash of lightening. I was a wake and kind of freaking out. All of a sudden I realized the only part of my body touching the bathtub was my ass...the bottom of my ass (well and my feet... but you know what i'm sayin') I know what you're saying... "umm....so?" 

MY ASS WAS THE ONLY THING TOUCHING THE BATHTUB!!! 

Still not seeing it? 

let's go back about 4 months or so. Getting into the bathtub was like wriggling into a tight pair of jeans...my hips, my side rolls my arms, everything was SHOVED into the bathtub. the only part of my body NOT touching the bathtub was my tummy. 

I stuck both hands down to my sides just to see if maybe I had become paralyzed and just couldn't feel my hips and side belly rolls touching the sides of the tub. 

HOLY SHIT! There was SPACE between me and the sides of the tub. I could fit a hand on each side between my body and the tub. Then I flapped my arms a bit. I actually had to MOVE my arms to make them touch the sides of the tub. 

I started crying....

Why? 

Well, I'm not quite sure. A part of me was ecstatic with this new discovery. Another part of me was mad that  my body was all squished in the tub to begin with. 

Then I felt a wave of fear. How many other things are just normal... a part of everyday life that I didn't realize were effects of my obesity. Things I never even thought about changing with weight loss. Does this scare anyone else? The unkown? 

Since I've never been thin I don't know how to be. I'm now at the point where losing more will put me at my lowest weight of memory. I guess back to middle school before I hit the big 200. In my adult life my lowest weight was 213... I'm 214 right now. 

But you know what? 

I'm ready for it. I'm ready for all these new discoveries and unexpected moments of pure emotion. It's going to be scary but I won't let that keep me from reaching my goals. 

After the wave of emotion I just sat there in my tub...feeling small...wooshing my legs around... just because I could. 

No, I don't know what it's like to be thin... but I sure as HELL am gonna find out....