"Oh you don't need that do you? You aren't even fat!"
"You aren't THAT big!"
"There's NO WAY you have that much weight to lose!"
"You are a solid girl but you're not really big!"
These are all really nice comments and I appreciate the kindness behind the words. In no way, shape, or form am I mad at those people... I love them and their good intentions.
But I have to wonder....
Is this how they REALLY see me?
Or are they just trying to be nice?
I am MORBIDLY OBESE people! They don't just give that title away to any old person with a couple extra LB's around the tummy.You have to earn that title with copious amounts of body fat.
I mean I know a friend isn't going to say "Oh girl...you are sooooo fat! Look at those rolls, fatty mcfatterstein...mayor of fattysburg!"
But I also don't want people to feel like I am a glass case of emotion. I am FINALLY honest about my weight and it's really ok with me to talk about it.
I mentioned in a previos post about how I have some sort of body dismorphia where what I see in the mirror is not reality... I don't see a fat person, I don't see 250 lbs... but then if I look at a picture i'm like "who's that fatty?! Oh, it's me? YIKES!" I'm thinking that it's YEARS of comments like the above that have given me a false body image. And boy has it caused a war in my mind... I may look in the mirror and think "Damn I look good!" Then someone snaps a picture and I'm mad at myself for thinking I looked good in the mirror. Or when I'm all confident and feeling good and some poopy pants, meanie head stranger makes a random comment about me being fat and I go home and cry myself to sleep. Then for like 2 months I'm super self conscious about EVERYTHING... I feel like people are staring...I stop wearing makeup...stop dressing nice...try not to go out unless I have to...look in the mirror and curse it... Then I shake it off and the cycle starts again.
I'm ready to BREAK THAT FREAKING CYCLE!!! I'm so ready for this.
I've always thought things like:
"I will never reach my normal BMI."
"There's no way I will ever get down to 145 lbs, I would look sick!"
"I don't want to lose THAT much weight, I just want to be like a size 10"
Well you know what?
I WILL reach my normal BMI....
I WILL get down to 145 lbs and I will be healthy...
I WILL lose that much weight and will not settle for a size 10...