Tuesday, September 18, 2012

50 Shades of Cray

Things seem to be slowing down at work so hopefully I will be able to start blogging more often. I'm hoping to get back to almost everyday. I have my 2 month post-op post ALMOST ready to go..coming soon my little cupcakes...

I try and make my blog light hearted and fun but our journey is not always light hearted...or fun. Sometimes we have dark days...dark weeks...dark months... I apologize now for this not so cheery post but I think maybe putting it in writing will help me.

I have to make a confession gals.... It's hard to admit because I've been doing soo good for soooo long.

I think I may be depressed.

There... I said it...

I've been feeling super overwhelmed with life. I'm feeling worthless again... which I don't like. For my new followers Click Here to read my post about my childhood abuse to get a feel for why I struggle with depression.

I have done what I would call a good job "dealing" with my issues, working through them in my own head, forgiving, learning how to function. (I'm sure a therapist would disagree...)

I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face and not really letting anyone know I'm in a "funk" as I call it. I don't like others to know i'm hurting...Not even The Hubs. It's terribly counterproductive to keep my feelings from my husband but it's how i've always dealt. I've turned inward and fought the battles inside..by myself until I think I have it all figured out. Although i'm sure The Hubs and a couple other people know me well enough to see through my happy face and know i'm hurting without me saying a word *cough..Cupcake..cough* 

I think a big reason I get this way is because I haven't figured out how to deal with hard things as they come...as they happen. REALLY deal with them. They pile up and the next thing comes along and hops on the stack until the pile is so big I can't carry it anymore and I drop everything including myself on the floor crying to The Hubs like a little baby. Unloading EVERYTHING on him at once which is totally unfair to him.
He's a smart one though. After 8 years he has figured me out. He KNOWS when I'm about to unload. He senses. I start pulling away from him... I get glassy eyed... I stare off into space alot... I get upset over the stupidest things and cry over nothing.

I am usually an optimist... kind of annoyingly. I can usually always see the positive in negative situations. See the light at the end of the tunnell. Something bad may happen but I'm able to counter it by remembering all my blessings...all the things that have gone right. Not when I get like this... It seems everything is wrong and nothing is right. It seems like it's one thing after another beating me down and then when i'm laying there begging for it to stop...it kicks me in the teeth for good measure. Molehills become mountains and life seems too big a challenge. I could list out what seems like a million things that are going "wrong" in my mind right now but I will spare you the boring details lol

When I am in this funk, planning is out the window. I don't prepare my meals in advance which means hittin up the drive through (although MUCH better choices than before and MUCH smaller portions it's still not making good choices)  I don't exercise... like at all. Which makes it worse because exercise releases endorphines. It's just the thought of doing it seems like so much work for my stressed out body that is super exhausted. Then I feel like a failure for not bucking up and just doing it... which makes me want to eat a candy bar..which makes me feel like a failure... see where I'm giong here? that's a downward spiral...one that I don't want to go down ANY MORE!! I've done it too many times, I know the outcome. It doesn't change.

I have to change it.

I have to break the cycle.

I didn't go through major surgery and a painful recovery just to give up AGAIN.

I think it's finally time I suck it up and get help. I'm ready to figure this whole thing out... find tools to deal with the war in my head and my heart.

I'm so lucky to have a husband that won't give up on me. He refuses. He loves me for me and wants so badly to just make things better, in every aspect of our lives, not just my mental health. I'm lucky I have someone who didn't bail at the first sign of trouble. He has made it very clear I'm not getting rid of him. Even in times like this where I push him away although I know it hurts him he stands there beside me. Tells me not to give up on him...or life. He doesn't lie to me and tell me he will solve all our problems. He's real with me... he tells me "yeah, it sucks...it sucks bad. We aren't where we want to be...or where you need to be. But don't give up. We'll figure this thing out." He also deals with depression AND anxiety. Needless to say we can be quite the little sitcom (or lifetime movie) at times.
You take a little bit of my cray-cray
Mix it with a dash of his cray-cray
We make a cray-cray goulash!

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Sorry for such a long Negative Nancy post. No trying to be a Debbie Downer, I just needed to vent. I actually feel alot better after typing this. (not gonna lie, I feel like 50 shades of cray over here...crying a little...laughing a little...now i'm smiling...people probably think i'm about to snap around here lol) 

When I get down, I like to look at pictures of my family. So let's do that together shall we? A little group therapy?

These are the pictures that make this battle worth it. These are who i'm fighting for.


  1. Well, I completely understand. I think when you've struggled with depression you become very adept at using a lot of the tools you mentioned - which is great - but then sometimes they are not enough and you need more. I hope you can make a few calls and find someone who is the right fit to talk to...and then go from there. ((((hug))))

  2. I'm so impressed with this post. It was incredibly brave of you to share. I too keep things inside, it's difficult to share my feelings with others until I have no choice and things just come pouring out. Congratulations on making the decision to make your life better.

    Oh and your family is beautiful!

  3. I have one word for this post....."word"
    oh and your pics even cheered me up :o) what a good looking family you are, from looking at you and the hubs no one would ever know you were a lil bowl of cray-cray goulash with a cupcake on top if you didnt tell them lol
    keep on keeping on babycakes, however you have to, for me accepting that my way of dealing with my "issues" is just that -accepting- that I will have the ups and downs and these things are not things people simply get over and move on from, but rather live their lives and deal with "it" when it comes, how it comes , for me it is like all of the feelings that suck, you know all of the words, guilt,anger,violated,pissed,sad etc.. they come in like the tide, it seems like it is slowly coming on till it is here then- boom lil melt down, and then I move on as the tide of all that crap goes back out, "cya next time crap" anyways.. you will get thru the funk and have your life back for a while... hugs to ya!!! big ones! sorry for rambling xo

  4. ((giant hugs)) girlie. I can relate so much to this post. Your hubs sounds awesome. And he is right... it sucks. Sucks bad sometimes. But you will figure it out. You will still have those days. But string enough of the good ones together and eventually the cray cray fades away a little bit more.

    I LOVE that shirt by the way. I need me one of those!

  5. Oh dandy! I'm sorry your sad. Maybe let yourself be sad for a few days and then get back to it. I don't have alot of first hand exp. with depression, my father in law is flat of his back and has been for 4 weeks now in the hosp suffering from a depression. I've been with my husband
    For 12 yars and this is the first time I am learning this.

    It's sad.

  6. I feel ya, girlfriend. I feel ya.

    You have a beautiful family, btw. :)

  7. I'm having one of those days myself. Juggling and juggling and then start dropping the balls one by one. It's good to know I'm not alone. Hugs to you!!

  8. 1) PLEASE never apologize for what you're blogging. Your blog, your rules. This is supposed to be a safe place where you don't have to censor yourself. Otherwise it sorta defeats the point of blogging.

    2) I identified entirely too much with this blog. And I'm glad. Nice to know I'm not the only one still fighting off demons and dealing with the cray-cray. To quote a song I'm currently digging - "You may be a lot of things, but you're not alone."

    3) You are strong and beautiful and determined. And you have a strong support system. And a beautiful family. I have no doubts you will get through this.

    Hang in there, mama! <3